Here’s what went on in my mind before your alarm clocks ever went off this morning:
“Today is Tuesday–my day to pack lunches and make breakfast and make sure everyone is out fed, healthy, happy and on time–armed with a smile, a hug and all the moral support they will need to have a fabulous day. I should remind them that if someone is nasty to them today, it is mostly about that person…not about something they did. That is a lesson THEY really need in life. Maisy needs protein in the morning. She won’t notice the almonds in her smoothie thanks to my Vitamix. Speaking of the Vitamix, Chris is eating his words now, I use that thing EVERY day. Chris has not felt great. I hope he slept better. He does look like an ass with that giant gash on his nose. Why do he and his buddies insist on acting like fifteen year olds when they are all pushing fifty?” [I giggled here to myself imagining his mountain bike tipping over like a sleeping cow.]
With my thoughts still racing, I came down and made my first of many cups of coffee. I made Maisy’s perfect smoothie: fresh strawberries, frozen Mango, 1/2 cup of almonds, milk and a touch of honey. I put it in the freezer so it wouldn’t get watered down. I then moved on to lunches… three perfectly balanced but DIFFERENT meals. I have to remember that Hadley is going to the zoo today…everything has to be disposable. My stomach hurts a little when I think about her field trip. She asks me every time why I NEVER go on trips. She wants me to be a stay-at-home Mom. She wants me to come to school and read to the class. But I will NEVER be that mom. That thought hurts me. Tuesdays are long for all of us so as I threw in an extra peach as I thought about how I won’t see any of you for another 14 hours and then it will be just in time to say “Good Night.”
Sam I know you have a thing about brushing your teeth right before you leave for the bus. I feel like there must be a girl involved. I will let you have your Pop Tart against my better judgement. But, when I told you to eat it in front of me it was for one reason: I was worried about you. You get headaches when you don’t eat and you don’t eat when you goof off and out of my sight at the bus stop guess what you do? Goof off.
Maisy, sorry about the Star Wars thermos but you have managed to lose all 12 thermoses I have bought this year. I packed you warm sticky rice…I know it isn’t exactly loaded with nutrients but I know you will eat it and it will fill you more than the apple, cucumber, and peach that round out your lunch.
After putting cookies in every bag (Dad would never do that,) it all fell apart. Maisy, you sipped your perfect smoothie without a word–reading your book like your life depended on it. Sam, you stuck the Pop Tart in your pocket and stared at your phone. Do I look like an idiot? Of course I know you are not “setting your alarm.” It is 7 am. What alarm could you possibly be setting?”
Ok, as annoying as all those things were, perhaps I overreacted when I said
“HONEST.TO. GOD. I AM NOT A SLAVE. I DO NOT WORK FOR YOU. YOU WILL ACKNOWLEDGE ME AND TALK TO ME AND ACT LIKE YOU CARE I AM AROUND.”
Sam, when you said “Sorry mom have a good day…” The reason I didn’t look up is because I was already crying and I didn’t want you to see me. I didn’t want you to feel guilty all day about making me feel bad. Because honestly honey, you are not the reason I feel so bad this morning. You are not the reason I was crying.
You see, it is June 3, 2014.
One year ago today, my patient and friend DM was waking up for the last time. She and I are the same age but June 3, 2013 was her last day on this earth and she knew it would be. She knew her cancer was going to take her from her five little kids. She would have given anything to make one more smoothie, one more lunch, or grumble one more time at the antics of her husband. I have not been able to get my friend out of my mind this week. I love you so much and the thought of not being here for you breaks my heart. I guess I was hoping you could read my thoughts, feel my hurt and smile at me or give me a random hug or tell me something about your day.
Don’t get me wrong, you both do that MOST days…I just REALLY needed it today. So, don’t worry. My outburst this morning was not really about you. It was about me.
I love you all more than life…that is the honest to God truth.