How Bad Hair, PMS, and Daylight Savings Time Caused Me to Eat a Pencil Eraser

 

The following are true events, not embellished or exaggerated in the least.

Last night was the 15th Anniversary Gala for the Mommy’s Light Lives On Fund.

I was so excited to attend this great event for an amazing organization that I actually left the office a bit early.

At precisely 4:45 pm I blew threw the doors of the hair salon I had entrusted with my “up do” for the evening.

Never mind that I had never been there. How hard could putting my frizz head up in a nice bun of some kind?

Apparently very, very hard.

One hour later, I had a head full of contrived “curling iron” curls that were then straightened and pasted to the right side of my head.

As I looked at the mirror all I could think was “Maybe Lady Gaga could get away with this but honey, you are no Lady Gaga. “

In my calm, kind way, I asked the nameless hair stylist to please take down the 97 hair pins. I may have alluded to the fact that I was supposed to have left my house 15 minutes before so I would appreciate some alacrity on her part. (AKA hurry the heck up woman!)

With a head full of curly-then-straightened-then-curled-up-then-let-down-hair I barreled into my car.

By now, it was pitch black outside, and I was angry and hypoglycemic.

Somehow I remembered that the week before (Halloween), I had ripped Hadley’s school party goodie bag from her hands so that she would stopping shoving Sour Patch Kids in her face before lunch. That baggie was in the console of my car–I knew it.

As my hormones surged, anger peaked, and blood glucose plummeted, I frantically scrounged around for the innards of that bag. In pitch black,without any idea what I was eating, I peeled the wrapper off of bite size candy after bite size candy and shoved them one by one into my face. Towards the bottom of the bag, a few unwrapped gummies floated that were not to be left behind. Without a blink of hesitation I plowed each and every one into my mouth.

This all happened so fast that I did not notice that the very last thing in the bag was a handy dandy pink pencil topper eraser. It wasn’t until I chomped down on the grotesque rubber that the utter pathetic-ness of the last 3 minutes occurred to me.

One might wonder what my take home message is. No, its not that it is unwise to try a new place for an important hair do. No, it’s not that you should look before you eat.

It’s this: people who put non-candy things in kids Halloween bags annoy the crap out of me. A message to all of you dentists, pediatricians, and other wholesome do-gooders: Do you really think you are going to undo the billions of cavities and sugar crazes created by Halloween by throwing a lousy eraser into a kids treat bag? Well let me tell you, you won’t. All you will do is cause some poor unsuspecting and self loathing mom to choke while driving.

%d bloggers like this: