My Day Off

It is 8:41 pm.

It feels like 2 am.

I haven’t done an ounce of work and yet I haven’t stopped moving.

5:19 am : alarm goes off

There is so much wrong with that. First, who sets an alarm for :19? Second, why am I getting up before six am EVER much less every single day including MY DAY OFF.

5:44 am: I break my first New Year’s resolution: no Keurig

What in the hell was I thinking vowing to stop using K-cups to save money? I stared at the DeLonghi, the filters, the grounds. I then audibly groaned and, like a heroin addict, pushed the button and stood breathing in the instantaneous aroma. It would be the last moment of pleasure for a long while.

5:55 am: “Shit. We don’t have any food for lunches ”

Who are the people that always have appropriate food for their kids lunches at the ready? Today, M got a granola bar, Cheez-its, a Clementine from Christmas–hopefully its ok.  I rationalize by saying she will eat a good breakfast.

6:27 am: Glare at Chris

So many reasons. First, why can he get up at 6:15, be downstairs at 6:27 and not even be rushing despite having to be at work at 7 am? Meanwhile it is MY DAY OFF and I am up before 6.

Second, how can any person, at 6:27 am, when it is pitch black outside and 18 degrees be so happy and FRISKY??? “Seriously??? I want to punch you in the face not “go back upstairs.”

Third, he has the nerve to enjoy his customary bowl of cereal and casually remark on the fact that “there goes the last drop of milk.” What kind of father uses up the last of the milk when his kids have only this meal to get them through the day?

 

6:55 am: Maisy Fight #1

“No, you cannot join School of Rock. ”

“Yes, you will let the dog out.”

“No, I haven’t seen your Uggs.”

“Yes, you will let the dog out.”

“No, you cannot have your phone back.”

“Yes, it is fair.”

“No, I am not mean.”

“Yes, you are too young to love a boy.”

“Yes, you did say that in a text, I saw it.”

“No., you don’t have any privacy in this horrible house.”

“TAKE. THE. GODDAMNED. DOG. OUT.”

7:20 AM: Drive Maisy to the bus stop because it’s cold and I feel guilty about the “love” comment.

7:30 AM: Shit. Sam has to be at school in 20 minutes for chorus.

I curse the liberal moron that decided kids needed “the arts” to round out their education. And why can’t they bus kids to these activities…don’t I pay taxes for that?

7:32 AM: Fight #1 with Sam

“No, you cannot wear that windbreaker today. It is 18 degrees out.”

“Where is your winter coat?’

“Why is it at school?”

“Can you explain to me why we spend $100 on a goddamned winter coat if you are going to leave it in school? Don’t you dare even think about coming home without that coat today. Do you understand me Mister??”

7:55 AM: Drop Sam off and I cry because he is my best kid and I screamed at him about his coat.

8:05 AM: Convince Haddie to let me drive her to school in 35 minutes as opposed to putting her on the bus in 20.

Why you ask?

So that I actually can take a shower before MY DAY OFF starts.

8:50 AM: Back at the same school I was one hour ago.

“Get out of the car sweetie, I love you. Have a great day!”

“Honey, you have to get out of the car now. What do you mean you are scared? I can’t walk you in honey, there are 50 cars behind me. Please get out of the car. Why are you crying??”

8:53 AM: Walk Haddie into the building.

“Yes Ma’am I know I am blocking the way but she is 5 and well, I guess I never dropped her off alone before….and…….” Outwardly I am timid and apologetic but in my head, there is a firestorm.

“WHAT???? NO. YOU. ARE. A. MORON! I AM ACTUALLY A HIGHLY EDUCATED WOMAN! I JUST DON’T LOOK IT RIGHT NOW. DON’T JUDGE ME. COME TO  MY OFFICE TOMORROW. I WILL SHOW YOU HOW I LOOK ON A NORMAL DAY I HAVE FANCY CLOTHES AND SHOES TOO BITCH. I DON’T USUALLY HAVE MY FLANNEL JAMMIE PANTS AND SLIPPERS ON ITS JUST THAT TODAY GOT AWAY FROM ME….. ITS JUST  THAT TODAY… is  my day off.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Comments

  1. Anonymous says:

    If you had the black volvo with the hazards on ITHANK YOU for blocking up the lane to give me a second to stop and get the CELLO out of my trunk in the freezing weather. I’m usually the lane clogger on Day 3s :) Hope the rest of your day off was a little more relaxing (and Chris picked up milk:)

    • Anonymous says:

      Oh my God. I can’t stop laughing!! What are the chances!!! And just so you know, I was NOT calling YOU a bitch in my head…that was someone that gave me a dirty look as I pulled around!! Hahahahaha.

  2. Anonymous says:

    You are hilarious. You made me feel so much better about my mornings!! Usually my fights involve wearing shorts to school when it’s below 30 and/or why M&MS are not the best breakfast choice.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Ha ha….so funny! Mornings are the worst, aren’t they? At our house, the fight is always about brushing teeth!

  4. Anonymous says:

    I just cried from laughter. The sad thing is knowing that those days will too soon be my own. God bless you Christine…

  5. Amy says:

    sounds familiar…it’s 4:55 a.m., and I just started MY day off!!! about the leave for the gym In ten degree cold!!

  6. Stephen says:

    What is a day off?

  7. Would you please stop living my totally parallel life. Only real difference is you have three kids and make more money! Granted I have two kids, one that needs homeschooling in my practice while I run my busy practice. I love you Christine. PS today is my day off. So that means bake the cakes for the parties this weekend, finish arranging the bowl-a-thon for Horse Power for Life http://www.horsepowerforlife.org finish getting the Christmas stuff packed up and monitor said son as we finish the rest of this weeks school work. Can I have a kid free day off? XO – Doc. Shannon. PS why did I not know you had a dog?

  8. Anonymous says:

    ok you may have topped me doc shannon. and the reason you don’t know about our dog is because i secretly (not so) wish we didn’t

  9. Cari says:

    Laughing so hard write now. You are so hilarious!! Makes me feel relieved to know that even well educated doctors are normal people too

  10. Anonymous says:

    Honestly Dr. Meyer ………you are a hoot!!!

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