Open Letter to Me (Re: My Body)

my favorite shoesDear Me:

Boy this open letter thing is so therapeutic! Now that Dad and The Dog have heard my deepest thoughts it makes sense that you be next.

I am writing in regards to your handling of my body. I will elaborate, but basically you’re doing a terrible job. Sorry but open letters are meant to be brutally honest. Rather than have this be a meaningless rant, I thought I would break it down into constructive observations and advice. We will cover several members of the so-called” body team.” Let’s start at the very top and work our way down.

 HAIR

What professional 41-year-old parades around with  poofy,  frizzy, uncontrollable curls? The frontal graying  is just added salt (in the wound sense not the sophisticated salt-and-pepper sense.) How about that short sassy cut you’ve been talking about? How about a smoothing treatment or touch up? Is that asking too much?

EYEBROWS

Stop being so obsessed with everyone else’s and focus on your own! Try scheduling your grooming in advance like normal people instead of waiting until you look like someone with a virilizing  genetic disorder. And while we’re on the topic of grooming, bad things are starting to happen “down there.” Bikini waxes are not just for summer anymore. Your husband deserves better.

TEETH

Goddamn it get the braces already! Stop acting like a mouthful of metal is embarrassing. I dont’ think it’s any more embarassing than the daily mouthful of green foodstuff that embeds itself in every  crooked space. And floss for God’s sake!  How many root canals do you need in order to learn?

 

BREASTS

No, ” boyish charm” is NOT a compliment.

 

BELLY

The “three C-section/bad scar created this muffin top” explanation is so old. GET ON THE FLOOR AND DO SOME PLANKS. (oh and it wouldn’t kill you to skip a piece of cake once in a while)

THIGHS

These are really the dead weight of this team.  Countless 5K’s ,10 milers, and a half marathon — they have more miles on them than Grandmas Mini Cooper! Why are they so big?

Shut up.  You are totally in denial: muscle does not dimple!

Again in the interest of ruthless honesty,  I will bring up the cake and the Swedish fish for that matter. Unless you’re going for the “toned like an elephant ” look  just say no.

And last but not least :

FEET

(just go ahead and pass this on to them–there is a lot here)

You should really be embarrassed. Thank God  you mostly do your thing behind closed toes. I know you are both taking a beating Monday through Friday in all that fab footwear.

Stop whining! Others would kill to be in your shoes.

There is no rule that says you can’t have a pedicure in the winter months. Need I bring up the bikini wax again? And lastly about that fungus.– yes it is a fungus. I am certain of this because I am a doctor.– one your captain REFUSES to take advice from by the way.

Me, I know I seem really hard on you but believe me it hurts me more than it hurts you.   As captain of the so-called ”body team,” it is  your responsibility to pull it together.  If you take nothing else from my note realize that your body is a temple.

Would you let a temple get overgrown with weeds and fungi infested toenails?

No.

Would you pour coffee, wine, beer and NyQuil into a temple without consideration?

No,   no you wouldn’t.

Would you spend every Tuesday shoving cake and fruit flavored gummy fish into a pure holy place just because it’s a long day?

I would think not!

Please start respecting yourself. Your team is starving for a leader they can look up to! I know deep down, YOU. ARE. THAT. LEADER.

You know where to find me if you want to talk some more.

Forever yours (like it or not),

Christine

Comments

  1. Anonymous says:

    Marilyn Monroe- Imperfection is beauty.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Superficial at best!

  3. Doc Shannon says:

    You are gorgeous and many wished they had you amazing head of hair and figure. love you foot fungus and all.

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