Open Letter to “The Dog”

Dear Lucy,

Let’s get one thing straight: this is not a love letter. I only use “Dear” and your first name because Chris hates it when I refer to you as “the dog.”

I feel like I really need to clear the air. There has been a lot of crap between us that has gone unsaid and unacknowledged in the last two years. And, after doing some research, I now understand that you will not likely be called to doggie heaven anytime in the next ten years–so I better get used to having you around.

The bottom line is that YOU ANNOY THE LIVING DAY LIGHTS OUT OF ME. It’s not really any one thing…just the “dogness” of you.

When Maisy did her one year of research and concluded that a hypoallergenic Portuguese Water Dog was THE dog for our family, I went along blindly and with a great deal of apathy–my bad. Your presence in our home has taught me some very basic truths. Hypoallergenic does not mean “odor less.” Basically you stink. ALL THE TIME.  Yes, yes you do. You have nasty dog smell. Period. You also fart. Nasty, nausea causing dog farts.

Then there are your “habits.” Here is a brief list of the things I loathe the most–see if you can work on them.

1. Picking up dog shit. I am a 41 year old woman with an advanced medical degree and numerous awards on my wall. Frankly, scooping up your steamy sticky craps with an old inverted Wegman’s bag makes me want to kick you.

2. Cleaning up dog puke. You know that chocolate muffins, Irish butter, and sweet and sour chicken don’t agree with you. Could you show some restraint?

3. The barking. In a 24 hour day, I get exactly 14 minutes of quiet time. No kids. No husband. No phone. I used to sit with my coffee and plan my morning in peace. Now, I sit with my coffee and listen to your loathesome whining as it escalates to barking. When I finally let you up stairs could you slow down? Chasing the cat around a t 545 am is  so obnoxious. Perhaps we should have a “first cup” rule like I do with the kids. No one is allowed to bother Mommy until she has finished at least one cup of coffee.  Can you handle that?

4. About the “Mommy” thing. Let’ s get another thing straight right now. I am NOT your mommy. Further, I think it is downright creepy when people refer to their pets as children. I did not give birth to you, I did not choose to purchase you, and I have no intention of nurturing you in anyway. I don’t think anything you do is cute or worthy of space on my camera card or Facebook page. I am not judging others, just explaining to you my feelings on the matter.

Now that I have gotten that off my chest, let me close by saying that I do appreciate the fact that you are a good judge of character. Certainly that crooked contracter got what he deserved. I also was really glad to have you around when Chris had to go away a few weeks ago. Lastly, I am ok with you laying on the floor at Maisy’s feet while she does her homework after a bad day. Somehow it makes her feel better. So, I guess I am saying thank you for that.

The bottom line is, we both are going have to learn to live with each other. You remember that  I was here first and that I am all the ‘Mommy’ I care to be to my three human children.  In return, I will remember that Hadley has never laughed harder than the time you started licking her feet and that you would chew a stranger to bits if they threatened any one of us.

Lastly, I  know that deep down, anyone or anything that my husband cherishes this much has got to be good for something. You keep working on that “something.” And I will keep my eyes open for it.

We good?

C