Scotch Drinkin’, Shreddin’ Fool

Wedding Day Googly Eyes

Wedding Day Googly Eyes

Do you lay at night next to your sleeping husband and think “Lord, thank you for your amazing gift in this man?” Do you catch yourself getting that girlish flutter in your chest when he walks in a room? Do you ever just stare at him when he isn’t looking and think to yourself “What did I do to deserve him?”

If you answered yes to any of those questions, get the #%^& off my blog. This is not one of those posts.

First, a disclaimer. When I am beaten down, all the little oddities about Chris that can be endearing, make me irate. Let’s just say this week, I have been beaten to a pulp.

I think it is upon me now because of the report I got from a friend last night. Apparently, while I was slaving for my fifteenth hour on HIPAA crap, he was outside with the neighborhood kids making a declaration. “From now on, I am doing what makes me happy..not what is socially acceptable.” To which my friend questioned “And, um since when has anything you’ve done been socially acceptable?”

True.

My esteemed husband is unaware of many social rules of fashion, behavior, and general existence in a civilized society.

Here are some of my favorites.

Under Armour

Chris seems to be oblivious to the fact that “Under Armour” garments are meant to be worn “under” other, less snug fitting exercise clothes. So, pretty much daily, I am victim to the visual of his obscene running attire replete with the unmistakable streak of ass sweat.

Jeans

Do you remember the last time “acid washed” anything was fashionable? Well, my darling husband will wear no other kind of denim. He must have faded, tapered at the ankle, loose in the thigh Wranglers. Where oh where can he find such abhorable jeans you ask?
His favorite clothing store of course: BJ’s. Yes, he is the guy in front of you buying jeans, undershirts, and an 8 lb bag of beef jerky.

Cargo Pants

He is, after all, a professional. So, jeans at work are a no-no. Chris instead wears cargo pants. It is sad to see a piece of his soul die every time I tell him that cargo pants (like denim shorts) have no place in a grown man’s closet.

Love of Pick Ups

Yes, trucks. After a minor altercation between my car and the mailbox we needed a rental car. Naturally he chose a F150: perfect for “moving stuff and besides, we could throw all the neighborhood kids in the back!”

God Help Me: Our New Ride?

God Help Me: Our New Ride?

Scotch and Shreddin’

You may have heard about the skateboard thing last week. Well, he did it. Now he owns his very own “rad board Dude!” I have a feeling his new found love of Scotch and his fixation with “shreddin’” like an imbecile are a story in the making. Stay tuned.

Shreddin"

Shreddin”

Barefeet

The poor man’s feet are tethered to shoes all day! Why wouldn’t he walk the dog, get the mail, or go over to the neighbors in bare feet? I will tell you why. Because he is a respected member of a civilized society for the love of God.

I know I am taking a lot off of my chest right now. But, probably tomorrow as we are in the office together, I will hear a little boy come barreling up to “Doctoo Maya! Doctoo Maya!” Chris will crouch down happily for his gigantic hug. Or, maybe a shy three-year old in a pretty sundress and her fingers in her mouth will present him with a colorful self-portrait. Chris will proudly tack it to his board and show it to all who will see.

Later, when we are all home, he will hug Haddie good night with his eyes shut tight to savor the moment. He will chase Sammy around the house tickling him until he snorts and begs for mercy. He and Maisy will play a duet. Train’s “Marry Me” will make me cry despite myself. When the house is quiet, he will swat my ass and tell me I am beautiful…but could use a shower. I will not be able to hold back my laughter. Just like that I will have no idea what I started to say about Under Armour and acid washed jeans. Instead, I will think to myself, I am a pretty lucky girl….

Comments

  1. Shannon Stanek says:

    Cargo shorts. They could share. Our boys never will grow up! Thanks again for a wonderful laugh.

  2. Lorraine Robertson says:

    Loved the story Christine. Makes me believe that there is still someone out there for me!

  3. Anonymous says:

    My kingdom for a picture of u driving the pickup LOL.
    Mark

  4. Marilyn Clarke says:

    Love your stories. They start my day with a good laugh. ( Except the HIPPA bit. HIPPA is a PIA!

  5. Anonymous says:

    Other then the jeans, he is a keeper. I had to buy my husband good jeans.
    The best compliment…wow, look at your package.. I think it won him over to a better cut of jean! Love your blog.

  6. Chip says:

    Every marriage starts off with the wife taking on her first child, then the kids come. Pick up trucks and scotch – right on!

  7. Anonymous says:

    I am not a patient of your practice but wish I lived nearer so I could be. Love to read your blogs and hear your stories. You are an amazing lady and inspiration to all hardworking women and moms!

    • Anonymous says:

      Thanks so much Robin! I am sometimes worried that “my stories” may drive away patients..nice to hear that at least you don’t think so!

  8. Krista says:

    Fun blog as always! But I love the wedding pic best, all I can think was how “white” he must have been to your family!

  9. Anonymous says:

    Great one! I so relate with Dave and the fashion bug. He’s a Scotch drinker too so he can intro Chris to some good ones! You need to get a book deal going.

  10. Joanne says:

    Your stories should never drive patients away. I love your honesty – the good, the bad and the ugly. Thank you!

  11. ally says:

    Chase always tells everyone quite proudly: ” MY doctor is a big nerd, just like me!” However he doesn’t want Haddy to know I work for you because then ” she will think she is MY boss since MY mommy is a nurse for HER mommy.” HA!

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