We Don’t Talk Trash in Our Neighborhood

trash can on wheelsOur family makes an excessive amount of garbage.

So much so, that our customer oriented trash service literally refuses to pick it all up. Often, they will leave one of the two full cans right on the curb. That is when they are being NICE. Once, I saw them coming and ran outside in my bare feet and pjs carrying a bursting bag from the kitchen. The driver literally stared me right in the eye as he pulled the mammoth, no-where-near-full truck away.

In the last year, I have grown so tired of rationing premium trash can space. “What is that bottle? See how much room it’s taking up?!” Or “Who put this empty cereal box in here without breaking it down??” Or, “Don’t peel potatoes in the trash use the garbage disposal!” ( oh that only worked a few times until we were replacing our disposal for the 3rd time and Chris finally asked “You are not putting potato peels down the disposal are you??”)

This summer’s heatwave made our garbage situation particularly unbearable.  So, on Monday morning, I took matters into my own hands.

As I got in my car my irritation thermometer went ballistic. Two overflowing cans sat next to the garage. Chris had forgotten to wheel them out. I sighed inwardly and looked down at my pretty dress and heels. I then looked back at the Target bags full of dog poop hanging off the sides of one of the cans. I don’t have a  choice. I must take the trash down to the curb myself.

I stood for a minute or two trying to decide which one of the two cans was the most offensive. But, the longer I stood, the more it occurred to me that they were both nasty. Both had to be picked up–and NOW.

So, I did the unthinkable.

I grabbed hold of the top heavy plastic bin which smelled suspiciously like a third world country. I put my head down  and marched sure footedly to the end of my driveway…and kept going..across the cul de sac… to my neighbor’s driveway.

I am not proud.

But, they weren’t home. They didn’t have even one can out! What a waste of premium trash real estate. No one had to know.

That is except my other neighbor who pulled out of her driveway at the exact moment my walk of shame was ending. I didn’t look up or smile. It was 530 am. What were the chances anyone would be out?

That night, when Chris got home, I had to remind him that he had forgotten to take the trash out. I was smug.

“So, ” he says. “You decided to put the second can in front of the So and So’s house huh?” He is not congratulating me on my stealthiness.

But, he is sort of laughing.

Apparently, my getting snagged on my trudge back across the cul de sac is nothing compared to what happened to him when he went to retrieve the can.

If he had been a normal person and just WALKED over,  our infamy might have been muted. But, no. Alas, he decided to PENNY BOARD the can back.

For those of you living sane lives, blissfully unaware of what a penny board is, I will explain.

penny board

Basically, it is the be all and end all of all boys in the 9-13 age range. The custom designed mini skate board is created on line by the kids and shipped from Australia. It is a bargain at $120.00. Yes, really.

So, my husband, who really only fits into the above age range if you use his MENTAL age, chose to “board” his way across the street, retrieve the can, and board back with it in tow.

Here are the problems:

1. The board is not made for a man 6’1″ weighing 185 lbs.

2. The trash can, even empty, is very awkward.

3. The cul de sac slopes down hill from the neighbors home to ours.

The day began with my clicking heels and flowing sundress marching a full can purposely to the neighbor’s driveway. Shocking, but in my circle of 5 houses,  my giant sunglasses did not provide any anonymity. But, at least I tried.

Then, 4 hours later, there was Chris.

Tall and barefoot. His grown man head housing his adolescent brain is crammed into Sam’s helmet. He is wobbling and teetering barely balancing himself much less the giant empty can as he careens uncontrollably toward our driveway. Blinds were pulled and heads shook at the site of that.

While I do commend my husband for putting safety first, I have a burning question.Wouldn’t the act of cramming your oversized head into that tiny helmet cause you to rethink the whole extraction strategy?

Yes, I was desperate but at least I ALMOST got away with it.


  1. Anonymous says:

    You gotta love it, sounds just like him…..as for your actions, I would have most likely done the same thing, after all the service wasn’t being used across the street…it’s simply a waste of money!

  2. Jeanie Eves says:

    As usual, you’ve made my day. I love a good belly laugh!!!

  3. Sandra Kowalski says:

    OH My God! After the day I had today I needed this laugh! Thank you for making me fell better! PS – It was the adolescent brain that tried to fit into that helmut! Would have loved to see the whole trapeeze act.

  4. Anonymous says:

    So funny!!!

  5. I laughed until I had tears in my eyes.

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